happy birthday to....

happy birthday to me :)

i hope my 20s are absolutely fabulous! 

ps: i will be blogging once again after this week. started to finally catch up on some things. thanks for sticking by! 

img via here

i can't help but imagine.

my birthday is on tuesday. i'm excited, as birthdays are a BIG deal for me. and i mean BIG deal. like...i celebrate the weekend before, the week of, and the weekend after my birthday. and i truly am excited.

but i just can't avoid the gaping hole of the person i want here. my dad.

i have been coping alright. the best i can. but i have my really, really emotional periods. where i can't sleep. don't want to eat. and just can't stop thinking about the day before he died or the morning that we were called. and seeing him like that. and tonight is one of those nights.

i would give anything to have one more birthday with him. words can't describe it, so i won't even bother to try.

sometimes it sucks to realize who is there for you and who is not. who cares more about their "problems" and who can give a crap less about you. but when it is all said and done, the people who care about you are the ones that actually matter. 

i reunited with a handful of close friends who were there for me since the day of my dad's passing. and there is no doubt in my mind that he brought them to me. 

i guess i just have to pick my demons. 

your gentle face and patient smile

with sadness we recall

you had a kindly word for each

and died beloved by all

the voice is mute and stilled the heart,

that loved us well and true

ah, bitter was the trial to part

from one so good as you

you are not forgotten loved one

nor will you ever be

as long as life and memory last

we will remember thee

we miss you now, our hearts are sore

as time goes by we miss you more

you loving smile, your gentle face

no one can fill your vacant place

-author unknown, from my dad's prayer card.

and whenever i get sad, i look at rocco. because i know my dad wanted him for me. and i just feel so appreciative and loved that despite his mental state, he still thought of me. and that's what gets me through the rough times.

/i don't want a ton of "i'm sorrys"...that's not why i posted this. i needed to use my blog as an emotional outlet. if you don't feel comfortable responding, do not feel obligated to.