Sunday, November 14, 2010

i can't help but imagine.

my birthday is on tuesday. i'm excited, as birthdays are a BIG deal for me. and i mean BIG deal. like...i celebrate the weekend before, the week of, and the weekend after my birthday. and i truly am excited.

but i just can't avoid the gaping hole of the person i want here. my dad.

i have been coping alright. the best i can. but i have my really, really emotional periods. where i can't sleep. don't want to eat. and just can't stop thinking about the day before he died or the morning that we were called. and seeing him like that. and tonight is one of those nights.

i would give anything to have one more birthday with him. words can't describe it, so i won't even bother to try.

sometimes it sucks to realize who is there for you and who is not. who cares more about their "problems" and who can give a crap less about you. but when it is all said and done, the people who care about you are the ones that actually matter. 

i reunited with a handful of close friends who were there for me since the day of my dad's passing. and there is no doubt in my mind that he brought them to me. 

i guess i just have to pick my demons. 

your gentle face and patient smile
with sadness we recall
you had a kindly word for each
and died beloved by all
the voice is mute and stilled the heart,
that loved us well and true
ah, bitter was the trial to part
from one so good as you
you are not forgotten loved one
nor will you ever be
as long as life and memory last
we will remember thee
we miss you now, our hearts are sore
as time goes by we miss you more
you loving smile, your gentle face
no one can fill your vacant place
-author unknown, from my dad's prayer card.

and whenever i get sad, i look at rocco. because i know my dad wanted him for me. and i just feel so appreciative and loved that despite his mental state, he still thought of me. and that's what gets me through the rough times.

/i don't want a ton of "i'm sorrys"...that's not why i posted this. i needed to use my blog as an emotional outlet. if you don't feel comfortable responding, do not feel obligated to.

5 comments:

la petite fashionista said...

have the best birthday you can-- surround yourself with people you care about (& lots of cupcakes). best wishes dear! <3 you're in my thoughts!

emily said...

wish I could turn my thoughts into words just as well as you do....On a happier note - Happy Bday Week!! =D

Rosie Unknown said...

Happy Birthday! I hope you manage to have a good birthday anyways.

Sending loads and loads of virtual cupcakes your way :)

Maddy said...

I can only imagine how you felt without your father that day, but I'm sure he would've wanted you to enjoy it to the fullest! I hope you did! XOXO!!

mAdi*cakes said...

Ive just now stumbled upon this blog. Christmas Eve. Or should I now say Christmas Day.
And my dad is starting to act happy. Because my mother and I are getting things ready for tomorrow...err today. Were acting like a family again. Not that we ever werent a family but. This is the first Christmas in our home, just us. We usually spend it at my aunts. But now were acting closer. We love each other but we all have strong personalities. So you can see that sometimes arguing is inevitable lol but we work through it. And lately, I dont know how its been. Ive been away at school. Now im home for the holidays. And I want to thank you for this post. It does suck to realize who is there for you and who is not. I want to thank you because you inspired me to really be there for my dad. I wanted to be the whole time but tonight, this has just hit me. I realized how alone my dad must feel. Hes a pastor. Always dealing with others' problems and noone knows but God when he feels alone and like he's dying inside. Ive always known this but lately everyones been in a daze. He just lost his mother. Its torn him up. Ive been worried about him. God is able to keep him and He has in so many ways. He is all strong. But you see, I really want to uplift him too. i thank you for sharing and inspiring through your pain. That may not be what you intended, but thats what youve done. That took strength. Your father Im sure would be proud of you.
I commend you. And I am praying for you. I hope you had a great birthday and I hope you have a merry christmas.
May you have a happy holiday full of blessings and laughter and love. Lots of love.
Talk to me anytime if you need to vent. Though you dont know me, sometimes a listening ear is just what you need.
xox
Madison

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