my birthday is on tuesday. i'm excited, as birthdays are a BIG deal for me. and i mean BIG deal. like...i celebrate the weekend before, the week of, and the weekend after my birthday. and i truly am excited.
but i just can't avoid the gaping hole of the person i want here. my dad.
i have been coping alright. the best i can. but i have my really, really emotional periods. where i can't sleep. don't want to eat. and just can't stop thinking about the day before he died or the morning that we were called. and seeing him like that. and tonight is one of those nights.
i would give anything to have one more birthday with him. words can't describe it, so i won't even bother to try.
sometimes it sucks to realize who is there for you and who is not. who cares more about their "problems" and who can give a crap less about you. but when it is all said and done, the people who care about you are the ones that actually matter.
i reunited with a handful of close friends who were there for me since the day of my dad's passing. and there is no doubt in my mind that he brought them to me.
i guess i just have to pick my demons.
your gentle face and patient smile
with sadness we recall
you had a kindly word for each
and died beloved by all
the voice is mute and stilled the heart,
that loved us well and true
ah, bitter was the trial to part
from one so good as you
you are not forgotten loved one
nor will you ever be
as long as life and memory last
we will remember thee
we miss you now, our hearts are sore
as time goes by we miss you more
you loving smile, your gentle face
no one can fill your vacant place
-author unknown, from my dad's prayer card.
and whenever i get sad, i look at rocco. because i know my dad wanted him for me. and i just feel so appreciative and loved that despite his mental state, he still thought of me. and that's what gets me through the rough times.
/i don't want a ton of "i'm sorrys"...that's not why i posted this. i needed to use my blog as an emotional outlet. if you don't feel comfortable responding, do not feel obligated to.